(name changed for my own sake, though everyone knows who it really is)
I really don't remember when Christopher came into my life. In fact, it is as if he's been there all along. Like a shadow on a sunny day or the smell of maple in October, Christopher has always been present. There at times when II've noticed and times when I have not.
Once, when I was rummaging through some old pictures at church, I came upon a polaroid of my three year old Sunday School class. There, standing around and on top of the toddler sliding board were many of my childhood buddies. Ty, Anna, Marcia, and I stood with others and smiled with big crooked smiles. Off to the side of our beaming group stood Christopher...grabbing his crotch with a big ole grin.
I was in highschool when I found the crotch-grabbing picture. I laughted at it for days and then decided to share my joy with everyone else in our youth group by posting it on the youth Sunday School bulletin board. No one else laughed as hard as I did over the photo. It seemed like everyone just brushed it off as a silly, cute, little shot. I, however, thought it was hilarious: early 80's clothes, grinning face, and hand between the legs. After a few weeks of posting, I quietly took the photo and placed it in my Bible. From there it made it home and eventually to a photo album.
This is how it has always been. I somehow ended up paying close attention to Christopher- what he's doing, who he's with, what he's wearing, what choices he's making- and everyone else seems not to notice or if they do notice, it oesn't seem as important to them as it did to me. It all started by virtue of us, me and Christopher, being the same age and in the same grade. We learned together, sang in the kids choirs together, ate together, and played together. I remember really noticing Matthew and identifying him as someone special and unique sometime in elementary school.
For a while, us kids would stay for lunch and discipleship training after Big church. Christopher was always the one who knew the answers to the questions in Discipleship Training. He said his parents read to him from the Bible. I wanted to know all the answers and stories too. I wanted a children's Bible like his and I wanted my parents to read it to me. Christopher was also the first one of us to get baptized. I wanna say that he got baptized when we were in the 4th grade, but it may have been even earlier. I wasn't ready to be baptized yet, but I sure did think that he was really cool, smart, and neat to have gone up to the front and all. I admired him for being so certain of himself, of baptism, and of the answers.
On the fourth of july, our church used to gather at Meredith College for swimming, recreation, and a big potluck picnic. It was so much fun to run and play and to be around all my friends celebrating together. For a few years, several of us girls would have a slumber party after the 4th of July picnic and fireworks.
I remember one 4 of July slumber party when I invited Hollis and Amy to spend the night. We stayed up almost all night talking about who we had a crush on. After much prodding, I finally confessed to the girls that I had had a crush on Christopher for years. Hollis, my lontime friend, already knew this, but it was new to Amy. I remember being nervous about talking about it and I remember hoping that nothing would get said to Christopher about it. I should have known better! The next week at church everyone was, it seemed, talking about me and my crush. I was so embarrassed! Christopher, or maybe a messenger- I don't remember- came up to me and asked if it was true. Too embarrassed amd scared to admit it, I denied my undying love for Christopher and went home sad and ashamed. That night, I spent a lot of time crying and wishing Amy was dead.
I likee Christopher so much that I memorized all sorts of details about him. Full name, birthdate, parents names, phone number. I memorized his phone number by putting the numbers to the tune "867-5309." I wrote his initials with mine all over my notebook. I gave him a code name, "blue eyes", so that I could write about him without anyone knowing. Only my closest friends knew and I didn't let them in on ALL of my secrets.
One of the most upsetting times that I ever got into trouble was because of Christopher. We were in children's choir rehearsal. I set next to Stuart. Stuart sat next to Christopher. Stuart was acting up disrupting rehearsal to get attention. Miss Pam, our leader, asked him to leave the room. She took him outside in the hallway to reprimand him for his behavior. While Stuart was getting talked to, I thought I'd be sneaky an dmove over one seat to sit next to my crush, hopint Miss Pam and Christopher would not notice the difference. When Miss Pam walked in the room, though, the first thing she did was notice! And I was in big trouble. She took me out in the hall...me-who never broke rules or got into trouble...and told me how disappointed she was in me. I was yet again so upset and embarassed that I hid in the women's robing bathroom and cried until I was red in the face and my mom had to come find me and splash water on my cheeks.
At some point around the beginning of middle schoo, Christopher decided that he would go by "Chris." This was a very difficult change for me. I had not been in love with a "Chris!" I had been in love with "Christopher." With the name change came other changes as well...Pink Floyd shirts, guitar strumming, and longer hair.
It was around this time that I witnessed Christopher's first ever mistake, in my eyes. We had graduated to the youth choir, of which my mom was director. One Wenesday night during rehearsal, "Chris" had come in late. (mistake #1) And he was wearing a hot pink shirt with RED umbro shorts (mistake #2). My mom always said that pink and red were tacky. I remember giggling to myself about his fashion faux pas and being amazed that Christoper,could commit such a heinous act.
In the seventh grade, our youth minister started the middle school retreat. About 20 of us when up to camp Caraway to spend time getting to know one another. I remember riding up to Caraway listening to Whitney Houston, Extreme, and Queen. It was on this trip that Christopher's guitar playing skills made their debut. I distinctly remember we were in the guys' cabin just hanging out trying to pass the time when Christopher got out his guitar and played "More than Words." I simply wanted to melt! I also wanted to sing along, to pretend as if we were a duo, which is what I thought we were meant to be. But, I didn't do either. I sat their listening and pretending that his playing was no big thing.
This trip was also the first experience that I had with Spin the bottle. The girls convinced Chris, Stuart, and Robert to play. Some of them knew I had a crush on Chris and others knew that Kathryn had a crush on Robert, so they started up the game hoping to play match maker. After a few turns and a few pecks, the stakes got higher and suggestions of time spent in the dark closet were thrown into the mix. It was at these mentionings that I made my quiet escape- scared and anxious to think of what might happen if I were paired with Chris in the closet: Would I be rejected? I don't even know how to kiss! What if we get caught by the chaperones? My scaredy cat chicken self took the fast escape route, but regretted it later.
