Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Be it resolved...

Enuma Okoro in Reluctant Pilgrim writes, "It felt like the sadness you feel after you finally decide to stop trying to make a bad relationship work-- defeated resignation tinged with stabs of relief and momentary freedom." 

Before recently, I don't think Okoro's words would have resonated with me, but I read them today and say, "Yes! I know exactly how that feels!"  Maybe part of the reason I can relate now and not before now is that it is only recently that I have ever given myself any sort of permission to stop trying to make a bad relationship work. In fact, my typical way is to try hard to make almost every relationship work. And when I say hard, I mean hard: withstanding rejection & emotional manipulation, saying no to inner passions and sense of calling...

In the past few weeks, I have felt at peace about letting go of some of these relationships.  Of course, the nagging nelly or maybe even voices from the Bruderhof visitors we recently hosted whisper in my ear, "What about brotherhood? What about unity? What about unconditional love?"  I'd like to answer saying that I can still love the childhood friend who does not return my affection without trying so hard only to be rejected. I'd like to hush the whispers by explaining that I can still love my coworker without engaging in heated debates and hurtful emotional drama. I can work with them without being their friend. I want to tell the nagging voice that it is ok to just let that family member contact me rather than fret about making some sort of strange feeling and forced connection.

I'm not convinced of my own reasonings and excuse,though.  I am convinced that it feels right to let go.  Right, with a little sadness mixed in. And so, for now I will do just that.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Wash over me

Driving down a city road
The past washes over me
Suddenly I am 17 again
Friendships are being made without me
Slumber parties, inside jokes, bonding
And I am not a part.

Everyone witnessed
Everyone knew
Trusted adults, childhood pals
They let it happen without me

What was it about me
15 years later
Asking the same question
What is it about me
Driving down a city road
The feeling washes over me
And then it is gone
For now

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