melt down

Today's list of activities was going pretty well. John Tyson and I spent some time this morning dancing. We also played outside, swung under the tree, went grape picking, and ate lunch. Then, I left for work. Anna kindly agreed to watch John Tyson for the one hour window of time that I was gone and Greg was not home yet.

This morning, Greg took some of the Hyaets boys to ride on the Virginia Creeper Trail. He took what he thought would be an "easy" group. Long story short, he ended up having to walk a very long way down the trail due to a broken bike chain and at the beginning and end of the trip, he had to deal with disciplinary issues within the group. All this adds up to Greg coming home three hours later than expected.

After I talked to Greg, I called Anna. Her newest plan is to move out of our house and into her new duplex TODAY...as in RIGHT NOW when she has John Tyson with her. I trust Anna to do everything in her power to take care of John Tyson, but at the same time I'm imagining John Tyson being rolled on a wagon atop luggage and boxes from our house to the new duplex. Needless to say, this image does not excite me.

I called Jason and Joanie and told them about the predicament. They have agreed to take care of John Tyson. Everything will be fine. The boy will be safe and alive and happy when I get home. BUT....

I'm still having a melt down. I feel like I'm being neglectful, like I need to go home and get John Tyson. I feel like I shouldn't be at work. I feel like I can't be at work without anything crazy going on. I feel like John Tyson isn't being taken care of in the way that I would take care of him and I feel guilty for disliking that fact. I feel angry that I can't go to work without feeling neglectful. I feel like I don't want to be a stay at home mom with no outside work or world, but I also can't imagine how to balance the two.

Here's what I wrote in my journal after I got off the phone (crying) with Joanie:

I want to be a good mom.
I ant to be an artist.
I want to be a dreamer.
I want to take care of people.
I want to pursue my dreams.
I want to create beautiful things.
I want to inspire joy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be taken care of.
I want to be honest.
I want to be expressive.
I want to be released from responsibility.
I want to be responsible.
I want to be admired.
I want to be honored.
I want to live fully.
I want to breathe deeply.
Are these things possible?
Are they possible all at once?